


Humdrum and Humble

by MurrFromImpracticalJokers



Category: Santa Clause (Movies)
Genre: Bottom Bernard, But also, Cannon Conforming, Comments appreciated, Hand Jobs, Kinda, M/M, Magic Lube, Non-Cannon Conforming, PTSD if you squint, Smut, Table Sex, i dont know how to tag this one uhhh, idk - Freeform, im sorry to say this but, there werent enough dudes at the north pole so i made one myself, which basically means i made up a bunch of shit that's still in the realm of possibility
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-18 19:41:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28623492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MurrFromImpracticalJokers/pseuds/MurrFromImpracticalJokers
Summary: Bernard takes a break after a disastrous Christmas by hiding in a pantry with the company of another chef.
Relationships: Bernard The Arch Elf/ Original Male Character
Comments: 4
Kudos: 1





	Humdrum and Humble

**Author's Note:**

> this fic kinda works off the post i made on tumblr about how the elves are probably changelings (ie a magical humanoid made to replicate a child so they can be put in their place)
> 
> anyway, to go a little deeper, the changelings probably got discovered eventually by their village people and were subsequently banished (or worse) the og saint nick probably saw one of them wandering and thought it was just a regular child and took them in so long as they helped him build stuff. but as with a lot of other species, where one goes, more follow.
> 
> that's basically my headcannon that i hope kinda eases u into the idea before getting into a fic that literally builds off the idea kinda.

The year was 1955. The night before Christmas.

Santa was currently in the ER with two cracked ribs and a torn hamstring after falling down a chimney courtesy of some flimsy ribbons that had caught against a rusty nail. The night was a total failure, and to everyone’s surprise, Bernard cracked under the pressure. 

Bernard was expected to keep his professional attitude throughout the whole night. It didn’t matter if everything had been a success or if they had the worst night in the history of Christmas. The lower-ranking elves looked up to him, and if they saw him downing a bottle of hooch in the middle of the workshop on Christmas Eve of all days, their spirits would most definitely be crushed.

Which is why he preferred doing his less-than-jolly endeavors in private.

He sat on a wooden table with his satchel set beside him. The surface was worn and uneven, the distinct smell of antique irritating his nose to no end. It was tucked behind some shelves of cheese in the very back of a pantry just below the kitchen. The whiskey he sipped made him feel as if a pine cone was lodged in his throat just like it always did on a bad night. Bernard seldom let himself drink but it was hard not to after their new Santa insisted that he couldn’t function without some form of alcohol, adding a new beverage next to the hot cocoa. 

Maybe if they hadn’t complied with his demands, tonight’s accident wouldn’t have happened and Bernard wouldn’t think to turn to a lonely drink whenever he couldn’t handle the pressure.

But Bernard wasn’t alone in the pantry. The cook who had let him in was trying his best to enjoy the whiskey as well but was clearly not taking to the taste. His face scrunched up, disgust peeking through the mess of his expression. He was cute. Far from shy. Older than the first gun ever made, and able to look Bernard in the eye without tilting his head up. It took a moment for Bernard to remember his name, his mind already cloudy from the drink.

Joshua. That’s what it was. Rolled right off the tongue, tipsy or not.

There were very few elves that were around Bernard’s height and even fewer that he felt were mature enough to...well, be mature with. They were changelings. Many built to be a child and nothing more. Never to grow up or develop in any way, Bernard being no exception. No matter how many centuries passed, Bernard would always have a shadow of stubble that served as an overture to his first beard that he’d never grow, a short stature with lanky proportions that would never even out, and a youthly cynical mind that sometimes pulled back like a curtain to expose something truly ancient. The elves were nothing but leftovers from an age when mystical beings found human’s interesting enough to mess with.

Their creators were gone, and yet they still went on with their existence. 

Bernard placed his glass down, leaving his hands empty so he could pick at the buttons that lined Joshua’s jacket. He smelled like gingerbread. Bernard wondered if he’d taste like it too. 

“Ever done this before?” Bernard asked, peeling the jacket back. A sudden pressure pulsed in his head, reminding him of all the children who would wake up and be unable to open the undelivered gifts they wanted. Never unwrapping them just as Bernard was doing to Joshua in a way.

“Well,” Joshua avoided Bernard’s gaze, his voice a little shaky as the head elf’s idle hands rubbed against his rosy chest. “Once. When I was… _ human _ .”

The elves at the pole hadn’t been human in a very long time. Technically they never were. Bernard held his sight on the flush of red that rippled from Joshua’s neck all the way to his protruding ears. “Do you remember it?” He liked asking questions he already knew the answer to. Especially after a night that felt so out of his control.

“Yes.” Joshua stood between Bernard’s legs as they dangled over the edge of the table. “A girl had pulled me into a stable. It was just a quick tryst, yet I can still feel the hay itch against my skin. I somewhat regret it now.” His hand stroked Bernard’s cheek. “Quite hard to hide when they’re so close.”

It was pure instinct for an elf to hide in plain sight. A dozen or so could pass any human on the street and wouldn’t get so much as a second glance. Humans had a tendency of not looking too hard so long as you don’t give them a reason to. But if they were close, close enough to kiss, there was no hiding.

Bernard could see the glitter specks that dotted Joshua’s cheeks and nose. The glitter that peppered his hair was concealed slightly by the strand’s light, buttery color. It would have grown into a mousy brown if he was still able to grow. 

Joshua leaned in close, fogging Bernard’s thoughts for a moment. The hand on his cheek reached higher, grabbing his beret and slipping it off. The action slightly alarmed Bernard. So much so that it momentarily pushed him back in time to a moment he’d rather forget. He didn’t like having his beret off in front of others, and he especially didn’t like it when others took it off him themselves. An old, violent, and very human memory plagued his mind’s eye. The dull pain that never really left his leg flared up, cruelly reminding him that without a hat, there was no hiding his ears.

All of this happened within a split second, stopping just as a few dreads fell in front of his face. The only clue Joshua had to know that he had done something wrong was Bernard’s rigid posture. Bernard swallowed down the memory, calming himself down enough to remember that it was thousands of years ago. He couldn’t be found now. And the ones that had found him were long dead. 

But Bernard wasn’t. He was alive. Alive enough to clasp his hands behind Joshua’s neck and gently pull him into a kiss. 

Wouldn’t you know it, he tasted like gingerbread too. 

The cook pressed his chest against Bernard’s, gripping his hips through the baggy shirt. His fingers subconsciously kneaded him like a piece of dough, massaging as deep as the bone. Bernard didn’t mind but his body couldn’t help but shiver at the sensation. Joshua’s thumbs circled the ticklish muscle into submission before tugging Bernard’s shirt up and sliding his hands on his smooth bare skin.

Bernard gasped at his warm touch, breaking the kiss. Joshua was quick to duck his head and press his lips to Bernard’s neck, drawing more noises from the head elf. With his shirt draped over Joshua’s hands, Bernard didn’t get to see him fumble his belt open until it was slid from the loops of his pants and tossed to the side. 

Bernard suddenly became insecure, wondering if his centuries of living shined through in his scent. Did he smell like the antique table that he sat on? Old and musty? Perhaps it wasn’t insecurity but hope. The only thing he had to show for his age was his mind, the one thing he couldn’t really show, and even then he scrutinized himself for being stupid. If not even his body could translate his years of living then why in the world would his smell do it?

Joshua lifted his head from the task of dotting Bernard’s neck with kisses, sensing something was off. While his mouth had paused, his hands hadn’t as they continued to pop Bernard’s pants open. “You alright?” He asked, not waiting for an answer before palming his groin outright.

Whatever stupid thoughts that had been plaguing him suddenly disappeared. Bernard was grateful for the cook’s overconfidence. In ways of a response, he could only nod, his mouth hanging open with quick gasps shaking his body. Joshua grinned sheepishly before running his fingers under Bernard’s jaw, lifting it closed, and leaning in to kiss him again. 

Bernard whimpered, with one hand tightening around the shoulders of the cook’s jacket while the other tried taking some control by pulling at Joshua’s pants, dragging him closer, and sliding his hands to the front, meddling with the buttons. Joshua didn’t take to it kindly, grabbing Bernard’s wrists and prying them away. 

“Don’t,” He whispered. “Not yet.” His hand pressed flat against Bernard’s chest to push him back. Joshua kneeled before him and tugged his pants down to his thighs. Bernard was almost embarrassed at the sight of his own tyrian drawers but Joshua didn’t seem to mind, leaning forward and mouthing his prick through the purple barrier. 

Once again, his mouth fell open. It really did feel like he was nothing but a piece of dough laid out for the cook to tease, manipulate just right, and rise with the increasing heat. It also felt like an oversimplification of things but if the shoe fits…

Joshua hooked his fingers on the hem of Bernard’s underwear, not having to ask for the wearer to lift his hips to allow easy removal. Bernard found himself liking the way things were. He liked sitting back and letting another person take control, if only just for the moment. After such a long night of feeling like everything was out of his control, it was surprising to know that the thing that would relieve the stress would be surrendering himself over and letting Joshua do whatever he pleased. 

It was just a bonus that “whatever he pleased” involved stroking Bernard’s cock. 

Even though it felt like Joshua’s hands were made for the sole purpose of being wrapped around Bernard’s shaft, it took a while for him to fall into a steady rhythm. He was unsure of himself, his wide eyes watching Bernard’s features for any signs of discomfort. When he found none, he took a different approach with both of his hands, twisting from base to tip.

A low groan escaped Bernard. He wondered if there was a possibility of the elves above them hearing their activities. Would the dusty walls and shelves be enough to muffle their noises? It’d be a shame if one of them came in to investigate and caught him literally with his pants down. The whole thing strayed far from the humdrum and humble persona he’d built throughout the centuries.

But if he was completely honest, everyone had their boiling point. He just needed to release tonight and then hunker down for a hundred years until he was ready to delve into another promiscuous encounter. 

God forbid he enjoyed himself without looking to the future...

His dark eyes locked on Joshua who kneeled before him, taking in the sensation of his prick being in the hands of another elf. He shivered and closed his eyes. Throwing his head back, Bernard’s shivering turned to outright shaking. 

“How…” His words were interrupted with a deep hum. “How far are you willing to…”

Whether Joshua understood with a new type of light sparkling in his eyes or not, Bernard wouldn’t know. The only confirmation he received was a gentle kiss atop the tip of his cock before he felt Joshua rise and lean in close, right next to his ear.

“Whatever you want from me, I’ll do it.” There was unmistakable desire in his voice. He barely spoke above a whisper, not needing anything else with his words dripping like honey. 

Bernard’s lips curled inward. He needed a lot of things. Plenty of things beyond the grasp of a head elf, let alone a chef. But for what the chef  _ could  _ give him…

“Son of a sugar plum,” Bernard cursed. He opened his eyes and pushed Joshua away just until there was enough room for Bernard to hop down from the table. He wasn’t on the ground for too long before Joshua pressed forward again, his lips readily returning to Bernards. 

When the head elf’s hands hesitantly started meddling with Joshua’s pants again, there was no resistance, giving Bernard the confidence he needed to just pull them down. He jerked the chef’s cock a few times, returning the favor just enough for it to reach its maximum length. Joshua’s hips quivered. He was eager and it made Bernard slightly nervous. Jumping from memory to memory, he gave himself the briefest crash course of what to expect based on his past experiences. The fact that he could remember them at all calmed his anxiety greatly, and after a few moments he finally broke the kiss and turned around.

When it came to magic, the elves were limited. Simple teleportation, the ability to craft items with magic properties, or even bestowing flight upon reindeer were all basic things. But when it came to miscellaneous uses, their powers varied from convenient to...inappropriate.

Especially when a couple of them discovered the ability to self lubricate in a certain place.  _ Glaze _ they had coined it. Bernard didn’t need to focus too hard to conjure it where it needed to be. 

Joshua peppered the back of Bernard’s neck with light pecks as he prodded against his hole with a nimble finger. He scooped a bit of the glaze and lifted it to his line of sight. It was named based off of two things. The first was the way it looked and felt. An almost translucent and goopy substance that sparkled just like the rest of em’. 

Joshua drew his finger towards his lips and lapped at the glaze, a satisfied grin crossing his lips. 

The second was the way it tasted. Sweet and sugary.

Bernard felt the chef’s chest against his back. It made him feel safe, somewhat warm, which was good. His hands were splayed out flat against the table, the uneven wood proving to be a great surface to grip. Bernard had never been on a rollercoaster and yet he was sure that this moment likely felt identical to holding on to the safety bar just before the big drop. Riveting.

He swallowed deeply when Joshua’s glazed hand drifted back down. The prodding against his hole returned, but this time it wasn’t fingers. 

He entered slowly, giving Bernard enough time for any protest. He stayed silent save for a few gasps as he took Joshua entirely. His back arched into the chef, wanting his touch more than anything. Perhaps he was touch starved and Joshua looked like he could cook him a mighty fine meal.

Joshua’s heavy breath traveled down Bernard’s neck in waves. As he began to pull out and push back in, groans laced with curses escaped him. He savored the tightness of Bernard for a few moments as his hips rocked. The sound of the head elf dragging his blunt nails against the table brought a smile to his lips. 

Bernard huffed. It was taking everything he had in him to keep quiet. The blunt speed was beginning to pick up, developing a rhythm not unlike the constant banging of hammers he was accustomed to on the building floor. His long-chained necklace swayed violently with the pace, thumping against his chest and jingling as the many charms shook. The depths that Joshua was able to reach within him was a personal record breaker for Bernard, but then again, he didn’t have much to compare it to. 

With his mind beginning to slip from the pleasure, his jaw hung loosely. Breathy moans left his mouth, much to his dismay but he just couldn’t bring himself to stop them. They began to almost hiccup as Joshua’s thrusts cut the moans off. 

It was fair to say that Bernard was finally enjoying himself that night.

Shaky gasps layered with Joshua’s name crawled from his throat. The cook had a hand on his waist and another on his shoulder, drilling the head elf deeply. Bernard could only take it with great appreciation. His body seemed to be taking on a consciousness of its own and he was unable to keep his eyes from rolling to the back of his head. It truly had been too long since he’d partaken in sex. He’d almost forgotten what it felt like and how utterly  _ undone _ it made him. 

“Oh, J-Joshua..” He sputtered, embarrassment flourishing in his gut. Moaning another elf’s name with a neediness he’d rather never exhibit again was finally enough to make him clasp a hang over his mouth. His lips curled inward but it barely muzzled his moans which hummed in time with Joshua’s hips. Bernard wondered if Joshua found his yearning endearing or pathetic.

Perhaps...endearing for a partner, pathetic for a head elf.

Whatever he thought, it didn’t matter with how good he was making Bernard feel. And it didn’t matter if Bernard had insecurities. Everyone did, but it was his job to be above letting those insecurities affect anything or at least not show that it did. 

Joshua kissed the crook of Bernard’s neck, grunting lowly and bringing a pink tinge to the shell of Bernard’s pointy ears. His thrusts were becoming janky, warning of the nearing end as the pressure around his cock proved to be something he had truly missed throughout the centuries. 

He crashed, humping into Bernard’s hole as he milked the sensation of pure pleasure for a few more moments until he felt himself release. With a moan, he pulled out, hearing Bernard quietly curse.

Bernard was so close. Had Joshua continued for just a little longer he would have pushed him over the edge of oblivion and  _ oh _ , how he craved that fall. But now, as he leaned back, he was left to the almost humiliating task of doing it himself with another elf behind him. 

He groaned, straightening his spine and leaning against Joshua’s chest. The hand on his shoulder slid down his torso and grabbed a handful of Bernard’s sweater, giving him enough support that the hand that wasn’t covering his mouth could reach down and stroke his own cock. 

Bernard was beyond grateful for Joshua’s help, even more when he buried his head into the knook of his shoulder, giving Bernard a bit of privacy as he stroked himself to the end. He caught the excess in his hand with a shaky moan that rattled him to his core. 

Joshua dotted his neck with kisses, making him shiver with delight. Bernard pressed back into the elf’s warmth for a bit longer. Just until he felt satisfaction blanketing over him. 

_ That should hold me over for a century or two…  _

“Hey,” Joshua whispered, catching his attention. “That was...great…” His voice trailed off, pitching a bit higher with his last word. The sentence was optimistic. Optimistic for more.

_ …but it wouldn’t hurt to do it again sooner than later.  _

**Author's Note:**

> hope u enjoyed. this was supposed to be posted around december and it is currently february which should tell u everything u need to know about my time management skills


End file.
